i got an email from someone editing footage of my acts for a reel and it said, “now you need to step back and let me work.” my stomach shot out all these needley nervous panicy gross pangs of fear crossed with embarrassment. up until now i have never trusted someone enough to edit a reel for me. i was never convinced someone could give me what i wanted. but the other day i thought, “i’ve edited some pieces for myself, but nothing i’m that proud of and nothing that has attracted the level of work i want.” maybe i should seek a professional. so i did. and i was happy. but then as i waited for the work to be done i started emailing concerns, requests, blah blah blah, i was scared. the long and short of it was i was scared, the “no one can be trusted, no one can support me how i need to be supported, i need to make sure they get it right” started coming in. but the funny thing was i didn’t see it until it was too late – i didn’t see it until i read his words, “now you need to step back and let me work.” i saw it all, so clearly, i didn’t trust him to do a good job and he knew it. i’ve never trusted anyone when it comes to repping my performance. i even went to a university for acting, a school for “theater, film and television” next door to hollywood and i didn’t even attempt getting an agent, i fled the day after i graduated. i am a performer, i want to do it all over the world and yet, funny thing, i’ve never even looked into getting representation…

i think this trust thing runs deep. and you know what? i’m done. so done. i’d rather let go, trust and get bumped a little on my way, than running circles in a room by myself full of dreams and aspirations of creativity. it’s like something i just read about perfection – we so often keep what we most want to share to ourselves for we feel it is not perfect enough, we say we will work on it just a little more before we let it out, we say it’s not good enough yet, maybe later, maybe next year, maybe when i have time, maybe when the right person comes along to see me, to help me. there’s a certain amount of courage needed to create what we want. like we need to throw what we’ve got out there just to see where it lands. there is no editing and moulding we can do inside our caves that can prevent the natural, beautiful and often confronting editing of revealing it out in the open. the bites that will get taken out of our work, for the better, the polishing, the gifts, the help, the inspired ideas, the “upper cuts” to our work, to our visions, to unfolding that happens against the backdrop of life is not to be missed, and most extraordinarily – the surprises, the surprises of seeing your creations landing out there, living, breathing in other people’s eyes and hearts. we can never know how it will go until we let go. i suppose the biggest fear is that nothing will happen.

i am nearly 30 and i have loved and committed my life to performance, it is high time i let go and let myself be helped. the fear that others will drop the ball will only drop the ball. the trust defies gravity and makes magic – the kinetic creation that happens from sharing, that happens when you let others in, when you play on the jungle gym, when you let go of knowing how it will end, when you let the world in, when you give up doing it alone you give up being in control, when you feel what Miz Nin felt, “and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” and so, i will apologize to the editor for not trusting him. i proclaim today the day i go public with my faith – my faith in the world to co-create my life’s work with me, whatever shape that may take on. i’m done doing it alone. all you magic sprite fairy glowers out there somewhere, i’m ready for you. let’s go.

Tags: career driven, isolation, surrender, trust