Do or die, win or lose…
At the time I was crammed into a bathroom stall in the San Francisco airport trying to make sure none of my belongings fell on the floor and that I still had room to… shall I say, descend. I instantly thought to myself, either this is really good or really bad. I was my way to New York City for the 2011 APAP NYC Conference
(the biggest conference for performing arts presenters in America) and I was pumped and terrified. I am so ready for the next step in my professional development — am thrilled to take it — and terrified either 1) I will inadvertently screw it up or 2) will completely succeed. Now, isn’t that interesting — terrified that people will find out my work is interesting and want to support it. Hm. Now, I’ve been known to be a little out there sometimes, but fear of success makes absolutely no sense. However, it is clear that there’s something like that going on in the back recesses of my mind.
Back to the airport. I hurried along to the gate, hoping and hoping that they had upgraded me or something amazing, because I was sure if they had bad news for me, it was an omen for the whole trip: I was S.O.L. So, there I am scurrying down the hall, so sure it will be amazing or horrifying.
I reach the gate. It turns out they wanted to know if they could move me 3 seats forward, still an isle, just three seats forward so an unaccompanied minor could sit in my seat. I was dumb struck – it was not good, not bad, it just was. I did manage to negotiate a free drink out of it, but I realized that there is nothing absolute about this weekend. It’s not going to be an end all be all. It is a planting of seeds, a learning experience, a lovely opportunity to jump in, be myself, so a couple great shows and have fun. There is no losing here, there is no cemented destiny, there are choices, happenings, and then more of it all. I am really grateful to be here and happy to be jumping in.